Movement for Visitor Friendly Sites

Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.”

2006-11-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

The post below was a comment from a reader named Peter Vajda. It is such an incisive analysis about blogging and the reasons why some bloggers are negative and uncivil, that I thought it would be a waste if I don't share it with other bloggers. Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. is Co-Founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta-based company dedicated to “Essential Well-Being” for body, mind and spirit.

Blogging, Incivility and Negativity

Social scientists, socioeconomists, and social psychologists are increasingly pointing to the fact that the social mood in the United States, and across the world’s culture and civilization is turning bad and that overall social mood is going to get a lot worse before improving. Research graphs and diagrams, such as the Elliot Wave Principle, underscore the finding that there is a natural ebb and flow of social mood (positive vs. negative) and that darker times, socially and politically, lie ahead of us, creating increased tension and negativity. Nowhere is this negative mood more evident than in the blogosphere where incivility, disrespect, meanness, bullying, and demeaning behavior rule the day, and the posts. What is it that accounts for this negativity among bloggers and what can be done to perhaps soothe and diminish their high degree of vitriol, rancor, meanness, incivility and disrespect?

I've followed the negativity of blog discussions mainly from the perspective of being curious about the nature of the interactions where the behaviors are as interesting, if not more so, than the content.

There’s no question passion drives many a blogger’s interactions. Unfortunately, passion is often used as an “excuse” (it’s never a “reason”) to treat another blogger disrespectfully or in an uncivil manner.

Curiously enough, research also points to increases in the number of heart attacks, cancer incidents, obesity rates, diabetes, suicides, spousal abuse incidents, etc. What’s the connection?

Whether it’s an increase in incivility or in life-threatening illness and disease, these statistics do not mean that I have to engage in anti-social or self-destructive behavior.

I can choose what behaviors support me to live a healthy lifestyle and which don't. The same reasoning is true for whether I choose to be civil or uncivil, respectful or disrespectful, hurtful and harmful or compassionate and understanding in my relationships and interactions, on blogs, that is, in how I choose to show up in the world.

Shakespeare said, "An event is neither good nor bad, only thinking makes it so." So, why is one’s "thinking" so negative? What belief systems, mental models of the world and people in the world, assumptions, misconceptions, misperceptions does one have hard-wired into their brain that bring one to reactivity, to negativity in the face of just, well, “words”?

So, with respect to how I show up in the blogosphere, the bottom line is the degree to which I am "conscious" — whether I am consciously aware of “how I am” and “who I am” while blogging, and relating to others in a blog community, or am I “unconscious”, being reactive, with no conscious thought of how I am behaving.

In our current culture in the U.S. where most folks are obsessed with ego needs for control, recognition and security, it's no wonder that most folks' thoughts are "killing thoughts" as opposed to "healing thoughts." The mantra underlying most of our interactions and interrelationships is: “It’s all about me! Out of my way!”

Moreover, in a culture where many folks gain their sense of identity ("who I am") from a direct association with their "knowledge and information" (the database in their brain), it's no surprise that much of the incivility and reactivity on blogs comes from the perspective that: "When you disagree with my information, well, you disagree with me", and because such disagreement is just too much of a hit to many folks' egos, they react (fight, as opposed to flee or freeze). Agreeing to disagree and engaging in constructive dialogue are fast becoming a lost art forms in Western culture.

When folks are "unconscious" of “how they are” and “who they are”, when folks are unable or unwilling to engage in self-reflection, their tendency is to associate and behave with a herd mentality — witness the vitriol, the high-pitch ever-escalating level of disrespect, sarcasm (in the guise of "humor"), mocking, bullying, that is taking the place on blogs.

Much of the negative and disrespectful exchanges in blogs has to do with how one relates to another human being. Life is relationship — the manner in which one chooses to, consciously or unconsciously, relate to, "meet", "see" and accept another person. What’s happening in the blogosphere is a manifestation of a blogger’s internal conflict that manifests as a failure to relate to another individual in an accepting, compassionate, respectful manner that transcends simple "exchange of knowledge and information."

So, while the research is what it is, that does not mean one cannot consciously choose how one wants to be in relationship, is dialogue, in conversation when blogging.

So, how does one become more conscious of one’s blogging behaviors? How does one become conscious of what’s driving one’s negative blogging behavior? By consciously considering what’s underneath one’s need to be uncivil, mean, disrespectful, and demeaning.

There are two underlying drivers for much of the negative interactions on blogs. These two drivers are characterized as: (1) "It's not about the information or content”, and (2) "It's all about the information or content."

1. It's not about the content

From this perspective, what is occurring is the need for an individual blogger to resort to a verbally abusive and bullying approach in an effort to make a "connection" with another person. For other bloggers, the need is to first engage, and then disengage, then engage and disengage, as in a "love-hate" relationship, in order to stay in the game.

In the arena of psychodynamics or ego psychology, both of these behaviors are referred to as "negative merging." In some relationships, the only way two people can "merge" or have any semblance of “connectivity” (e.g., mental, emotional,, psychological, social, etc.) is by fighting or arguing. Without the fighting or arguing, there would be no connectivity, no relating. Thus, the need to bully, argue, demean, find fault, nit-pick, etc., supports a blogger to feel engaged and “merged.” It gives the blogger a sense of “belonging”, being psychologically and emotionally connected. It really has nothing to do with the "information" being discussed or exchanged.

Rather, the negative and uncivil behavior is about connecting and needing to feel "seen" and "heard", in other words, to feel that the blogger is actually “somebody” as opposed to being a “nobody.” Unless the blogger feels they are somebody, they feel they have no sense of value or worth. The only downside is that playing out of this need to be “seen” comes from a deeper place of anger, fear and negativity.

In “negatively merged” relationships, real and true, mature, heartfelt acceptance, approval, and satisfaction are lacking. So, the only way the two or more bloggers can experience any “false” connection at all is from this place of negative engagement, often it's in the form of poking, being disrespectful, being uncivil, nit-picking, finding fault, etc. .

In “negative-merged” relationships, such back-and-forth behavior, and childish emotional acting out, becomes the sole source of contact between bloggers. The bottom line is that in negative-merged relationships, negative contact is better than no contact at all.

So content aside, two or more such bloggers are no different than a couple who, lacking any real heartfelt, mature, adult-level connectivity, resort to arguing and fighting over how to stack the dishes in the dishwasher, fold the laundry, or vacuum the car, or slice the turkey. At the end of the day, for negatively merged bloggers, it's never really about the "content". It's about the need to be "seen" and connect when there's no true feeling of connectedness.

Until and unless a “negative-merged” inclined blogger expands their awareness and explores what's really "underneath" their need to be negative, uncivil and disrespectful, (i.e., by consciously exploring their limiting self-images, beliefs, preconceptions, "hard wiring" about how they view their self vis-à-vis being in the world and relating to others), there's probably never going to be any change or transformation of that blogger’s behavior. So, they'll fight, lick their wounds, go away and come back to fight another day on another blog, always at another's throat, always argumentative, bickering, poking, criticizing. Why? It's the only way they know how to "connect."

2. Content is everything.

The ego-personality is driven by one's Inner Judge and Critic, the inner voice that continually creates drama and upset in our lives, that never allows us to truly feel at peace with ourselves. The inner judge and critic is driven by three major ego needs: control, security and recognition.

Driven consistently and relentlessly by these three needs, many of us derive our identity, that is, "who I think I am", and "who I take myself to be" from external things, as opposed to experiencing ourselves with integrity and authenticity that arises from being in touch with our Inner Nature, our True and Real Self, from what’s "inside".

One of the externals from which people gain a sense of their identify is their “information.” For these folks, their mantra is "I am my information." In other words, my identity, who I am, is defined on what I have in my brain, my database. I live in my mind, and my mind defines me as a person.

Coming from this mental place, then, in a blogging environment, what happens when someone disagrees with an “information identity” blogger, is that the “information identity” blogger is unable and unwilling to see the other’s response as a simple perspective, or point of view, or as just “different from me.” Rather, the “information identity” blogger has a need to react, to become defensive and critical and take the other’s information as a personal affront and as a personal and “attack on me.”

In our culture of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, win vs. lose, me vs. you, for many bloggers there is little to no room for acceptance of differences, i.e., "different information". Rather, there’s more of a need for many bloggers to engage in some type of escalating “ad hominem” attack so that the “information identity” blogger can survive, live, and not lose their identity. The “information identity” blogger survives by meeting their need to “be right" in some way, shape or form.

And so when these “information identity” bloggers feel attacked because another blogger has presented "different information", or disagreed with them, they emotionally feel out of control, insecure, and unrecognized, unseen. Their internal, unconscious reaction is: "My God, I have no identity if my information is "wrong'. I need to fight back and save my self.”

In this state of (often unconscious) reactivity characterized by anger, fear, worry, resentment, defensiveness, feeling "small", unseen, invisible, unrecognized, unappreciated, being resistant, defensive and agitated, and feeling a loss of control, recognition or emotional security, some bloggers act out so they can feel and see themselves as big, large, as “somebody” with an identity.

”Information identity” bloggers might be surprised if they were to explore why they need to act out and sting, poke, demean and bully others, why they need to attack, defend and counter-attack, why they are so caught up in identifying with "my information."

What happens in the blogosphere is really no different from what happens between and among individuals and couples every day, at work, at home and at play, i.e., occurrences of the same behaviors that manifest when folks allow their ego-personalities and "comparative-judgmental minds" to get in the way of a healthy relationship, a healthy dialogue, a healthy interaction. The dynamic here with the “information identity: blogger, is that they are being by their need for control, recognition and security as opposed to allowing their self to coming from one's inner plane where one can be perfectly comfortable with who one is and where one is without needing to be right and without depending on one’s information as the source of who they are.

The poking, the disrespect, the vitriol and incivility are all about resistance, denial and projecting. It's all about not being "consciously conscious of "Who I am" and "How I am" in relationship; so the negativity comes from one's locking on to cruise control, being "unconscious" and simply reacting to everything happening "outside". It's about needing to look "outside" for what's lacking "inside."

While some may view ad hominem attacks, rudeness, disrespect, poking, bullying and negative behaviors as "common" in today’s discussions and relationships, they are not, neither for children nor for adults, and sometimes, in the blogosphere, it's hard to tell the difference. Reactive elements cause mental, emotional and even physical pain, and discomfort and for the actual and lurking "ringside" participants and observers, even though they may not even be aware of it. The discord does take a toll, one way or another.

Where some lurkers would honestly and sincerely like to offer their perspectives in a safe environment, they are often wary of doing so as they don’t want to come up against bloggers whose need is to "take it personally" and who react to "different" takes and information in a negative, poking, rejecting manner. It’s the “information identity” bloggers who make many blogs unsafe for so many others who have worthy contributions to make.

So, The negativity is an attempt to fill this hole of deficiency, thinking that spending time and energy being critical, judgmental, demeaning and disrespectful of others will somehow make me feel "better" at the expense of those who I am stepping on and over in my attempts to get to the top of some ladder (financial, social professional, etc.) that will make me feel like "somebody."

So, what can bloggers do to ensure a more inclusive, safe, mutually-respective container for adult-adult dialogue and reduce the intense degree of negativity that permeates so much of the blogosphere?

Perhaps bloggers can envision and then act to create an environment where one can notice, accept and appreciate the uniqueness of another blogger’s perspective without automatically jumping on the "me vs. you", "right vs. wrong", "good vs. bad" "expert vs. novice", “intelligent vs. stupid” continuum.

Perhaps bloggers can take some time to move out of their intellectual zip code of ”It’s all about what I know.” and explore the perhaps, more foreign, landscape of non-violent communication to enhance the quality of some of their interactions, even approaching discussions with the curiosity of a “beginner’s mind”, a neutral mind.

Perhaps bloggers can take a deep breath, sense into their bodies and experience their feelings and emotions, before responding to a post and consciously ask themselves, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person like me consciously choose to be disrespectful, uncivil and harm another person simply because their "information" is different from my "information."

Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see.” So, if you are engaging in uncivil, disrespectful, demeaning behaviors as a blogger, don’t wait for others to change their tone and tenor. It starts with you.

As Rumi says, "Out beyond right doing and wrong doing, there is a field; I'll meet you there." Come from that place in your blogs and interact from that part of yourself that is respectful, accepting, compassionate, empathic, and inclusive.

Bloggers can choose to play in that field with their colleagues; or they can choose to create and fight in a battlefield of words, of ego, hostility and lost identity. One brings happiness, collegiality, contentment and well-being; the other brings pain and suffering, mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually.

Incivility and negativity are all about "resistance" to someone or something “out there” with which one feels uncomfortable. Incivility and negativity are all about being "unconscious” of how one is in relationship. Incivility and negativity are all about the ego’s need for control, recognition and security and being unwilling to go “inside” and explore why one needs to hurt, be verbally abusive, and disrespect another. Incivility and negativity are largely about the mantras: “I’d rather be right than happy." Or, "I have to be somebody at the expense of being seen as a nobody."

Life, after all, is choices. Do I choose to be reactive, hurtful, negative and uncivil? Why? Really, really, really, why?

(c) 2006, Peter Vajda, Ph.D., C.P.C.

How to Love Your Neighbor

2006-01-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

Author: PinayHekmi
First posted in PinayHekmi's blog on Jan. 7, 2006

I was really disappointed by a blog I came across recently. I was very impressed with this blog author because of what I perceived as the author’s open-mindedness despite their background. I’m not gonna elaborate. I don’t want a blog war on my turf. The point is, I realized that while someone may be liberal in some respects, this does not necessarily equate to open-mindedness.

Here are my observations on how to be a good neighbor. And it applies to blogs too!

1. Don’t post inflammatory remarks about others, even if you dont’ name them. If you really must vent, password-protect your posts. You don’t know who read your blogs. It could be your boss and your job on the line because of the not-so kosher posts you are publishing. Why risk it? Ever heard of the term dooced?

That is not to say you should write inflammatory remarks about others as long as they are not about your workplace. But let’s exercise a little love and discretion. Try speaking to the person about the issue first, or if you must write, well just think twice, even three times about it.

2. Don’t resort to name-calling. This is really the prime evidence that your little grey cells aren’t made of much. When you cannot tackle the issue but attack the person bringing up the issue instead, it means your reasoning, defenses, aren’t up to par. You also look like a fool, a school-yard bully.

Here’s a simple rule, if your child, or a child that looked up to your were watching you handle this conflict, are you acting in a way that you would want them to follow? That you would not be ashamed of?

3. Once the proper defenses have been posted, and your points made, drop it, let it go. The great thing about blogs, our neigbors aren’t across the street or next door to us. We can always stop visiting them and we won’t have to pass them on the street. You have so so many more important matters to attend to, you don’t have to the time, or the energy to get stuck on this issue and let it eat up your valuable resources.

4. Don’t take things personally. Develop a thick-skin. You cannot control what other people say, but you can control how you perceive their words. You are also the one who determines whether what someone says, whether it be negative, will affect how you feel. When someone is blatantly aiming to say “these words are meant to hurt you”, isn’t it better to just ignore them and disappoint them by showing them you haven’t been affected?

5. With that said, don’t make anonymous inflammatory comments on others’ blog. It’s like leaving dog turd on your neigbor’s front porch and running away. It’s a sign of immaturity and cowardice. Be brave. If you have something to say, at least have the integrity to back it up with your identity. If you don’t have anything nice to say, then the old adage goes, don’t say anything at all. We all know this.

6. If I were you, I wouldn’t reveal how much money you make. There’s something about the topic of money that gets people riled up. We all know that most marriages/relationships fight over money. It could be the same between blog neighbors. There’s a reason that companies usually have a policy of immediate disciplinary action if they find out you have been discussing your salary with your co-workers. It is bad practice. And why would you want to reveal how much money you make in your blog? Like I’ve already said, anybody could be reading this. Including people who may wish to scam you out of your hard-earned moolah.

Blogs are mediums protected by freedom of speech, and indeed that is why most people are so enamored by them. They can vent, rant, think out loud in their blogs. That is no reason you should leave your manners behind.

Some people make the argument that their blog is like their home, and they should be able to say whatever they want in them. The only way that analogy rings true, is if your home was rigged with a camera and you go in front of it periodically ranting and talking to hundreds or thousands of viewers about your life. Your blog is being watched all the time. And you have an open door. It is not the same as the privacy of your home.

Now, mind your manners. Please.

"Attitude is the way you mentally look at the world around you. It is how you view your environment and your future."

2006-01-25T15:36:00.000-08:00

Author: Ka Uro
First posted in Ka Uro's blog on Nov. 7, 2005

It was a normal Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and Bill was driving on his way home from the office. He was patiently waiting for the traffic lights to turn to green when the car, a white sedan, behind him started incessantly sounding it's horn. He sensed that the driver of the white car wanted to overtake him. Annoyed by the driver's impatience, he thought of giving this driver a lesson. The white car moved beside his car to make an overtake maneuvering move. But instead of allowing the driver to complete the maneuver, Bill sped up to be slightly ahead of the white sedan. And for a few seconds they were in a sprint race. Neither driver wanting to give in.

Then the inevitable happened. An on-coming vehicle directly in front of the white sedan came into view. The driver of the white sedan had no choice but to step on the brakes and let Bill go first. But it was a bit too late. Bill heard a crash. The on-coming vehicle clipped the side of the white sedan. Bill slowed down to look at his rear view mirror. Both drivers from the colliding vehicles looked okay as they got off from their vehicles seemingly free of any bodily injury. Feeling a sense of victory, Bill couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. “That will teach that lunatic a lesson. He deserves it” he told himself.

A few more minutes and he was in front of his house. As he was opening the garage he saw Virginia, his wife, rushing towards him. She was trembling and her hands drenched in blood. “It’s Jenny” she said. In between sobs, Virginia tried to tell Bill what happened. “She… she… was just playing in the tree house….. Then…. I heard a noise… when I turned around ….Jenny was lying on the ground and then I saw blood ...Called Dr. Peters, and ambulance…”

Upon seeing Jenny’s limp body, all Bill could do was let loose a loud whimper. Tears flowing down his cheeks, he knelt and held his daughter’s lifeless body close to him. Within minutes Dr. Peters came in and examined Jenny. “I’m sorry…It’s too late, there’s nothing else I can do…. Her head must have hit this rock lying on the ground…” uttered the doctor. “An ambulance should be here shortly. Can’t stay any longer as I have to rush to another emergency” he said as he ran towards his car….. a white sedan with fresh collision damages on its side.

"The belief that one's own view of reality is the only reality is the most dangerous of all delusions" - Paul Watzlawick

Have a Peaceful New Year

2005-12-30T02:25:00.000-08:00

Wishing everyone a happy and peaceful new year!

I also wish to welcome our three newest peace crusaders.

walkabout
I can't say anything much about walkabout. She doesn't say much about herself either. Perhaps better to find out about her by visiting her blog.

mistyjoy
According to her, she's just an ordinary person living in an ordinary life. Creative, imaginative friendly, sometimes weird & moody.

and
emperorkevin
or Kevin Ray is from Cebu City. He is very politically articulate, you wouldn't believe that he's only 15.

It's Luchie's turn

2005-12-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

Meet Luchie, a psychologist, early childhood educator, wife, mother, and grandmom to two lovable girls. Luchie is blogging from Singapore and is our newest VFS supporter. Learn more about her. Visit her blog and say hi. http://www.luchiegg.blogspot.com/

The Maven

2005-12-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

Since, I have not much to say these days, let me therefore take this opportunity to welcome the newest VFS supporter, "Wendy". Peace to you Wendy. Here's Wendy's brief intro from her "The Maven" blog.

Am just a simple girl... huh? Hehe... Well… most of my friends call me Wendy or Wends. I love green — my favorite color. I do believe that nothing in life is to be feared… It is only to be understood and it is absolutely right, right?! I love people who love me too… for what I am and for what I have (kinda familiar phrase, huh?!) I am a sensitive person in some ways, a paranoid one in sometimes and an expressive individual in some point. A crybaby, I do cry a lot when I got hurt. I love to sing (one of my diversions when I’m sad) even though I don’t have a beautiful voice. I do believe that there is only one me for all time, so I’m fearlessly to be myself and no life is so hard that I can't make it easier by the way I take it.

Control Your Tongue

2005-11-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

Author: Hezel
First posted in her Hezel's Haven blog on Nov. 15, 2005

A small force can yield catastrophic results, little bits turn gigantic horses, a small rudder puts huge ships on a new course, and a small flame can consume an entire forest so as the tongue, a small part of the body but can make great boasts.

This little piece of muscle is capable of defiling the entire body. It sets the whole course of a person's life. We need to be alert to the danger of an uncontrolled tongue. Like harmful gossip and conceited boasting must not issue from our lips. Instead we should speak words of encouragement & enlightenment, of grace & blessing.

Last Saturday, I attended our BCBP CLP and the speaker, Bro. Hermie Rodil, shared to us something by Socrates. Allow me to share it to you too. It's entitled:

TRIPLE FILTER TEST

by: Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said. "Actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

Let's control our tongue. We make sure no fire escape from our mouth. May our words bless, not burn, those to whom we speak today.

The Little Boy

2005-11-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

Author: Bing Aka Juliet
First posted on her blog on Nov. 5, 2005

Wendell was aboard a passenger’s jeep that early morning of June 1. She was on her way to the university. For the first time, she will be earlier than her buddy, Eileen.

Lola Abbey gave her this morning an 18K gold necklace with a shimmering crucifix pendant made of gold, too. She was a favorite. Wendell knew it. No apo was doted like her. She felt blessed being treated that way.

As the jeepney started rolling slowly, a little boy, barefooted, dressed in what seemed like rags and oversized clothing, jumped aboard holding onto the jeepney’s railing. Everybody inside the jeep almost shouted. Their stomach heaved at the sight of the little boy hanging on the jeepney’s railings. “Hey, little boy! You might fall. Come inside!” an elderly man said to the boy. The little boy just smiled showing his teeth with cavities, but looking stonily at Wendell, who was seated just next to the railing.

Another woman coaxed the little boy, “Little boy, come inside. I have food for you.” At an instant, without warning, the little boy grabbed the necklace from Wendell with his right hand, and slipped from the jeepney, which was moving faster now, unscathed. He then raised his hand with the necklace like that of a trophy being awarded to a winner, and zigzagged across the street, sidestepping among the vehicles that were racing on that highway.

Wendell was shocked, and so were the other passengers, too. Regaining from it, she shouted with all her might, “Hey, give me that! Give me back my necklace!” She continued shouting though the boy was nowhere in sight already. Then a passenger beside tried to comfort her and told her it was all right. “Anyway,” said the woman, “it could be replaced anytime.” To which Wendell cried the more saying, “But it was my Lola Abbey’s gift to me. She had given it to me this morning.” “We can’t do anything about it anymore, Miss,” a younger man stressed, ”Those kids are street smart. We can never find him anywhere. Just tell your grandma that it was snatched from you. It is not your fault.”

The whole day was like a day of mourning for Wendell. Her Lola Abbey was very kind enough to understand when she learned of the upsetting incident. She told Wendell it was not her fault and pacified her with a hug and a pat on her shoulder.

A month had passed and it was like Wendell had forgotten about that ill-fated day. She had to buy a Bible at a store along the boulevard. When she reached the intersection where her necklace was snatched, she boarded off the jeepney and trailed a narrow street to the store. Her eyes slit like that of a cat’s upon seeing a familiar figure along the narrow street. There among a crowd of street children was the same little boy who took her necklace. He was still wearing the same oversized pair of clothing, the neckline of the shirt hanging loose on one of his shoulders this time. He was frolicking with the other little boys, talking incomprehensibly, like a drunken man, only that he was just a little boy.

Wendell walked briskly towards the little boy when suddenly a yell from a woman ensued. “Alonto!” cried the untidy, squattish woman addressing the little boy. The little boy suddenly stopped as if expecting something from the woman. His expectation came as a forceful rap on his head landed. “What is it, ‘Nay?” touching the portion of the head that received the abuse. “Where are your earnings?” The little boy scratched his head then replied, “E, ‘Nay, I was not able to find, e..” To which he received a more forceful rap on his head again. “How will you find money if you are here playing? Hah? Move! We have nothing to eat for supper!”

Alonto passed by where Wendell was. He did not even remember Wendell. He walks scratching his head, looking more like perplexed than worried. He looked thinner and his eyes were hollow. His cheekbones are more prominent than anything in his face and the lips are very pale.

A tear fell from Wendell’s face. The necklace’s worth is nothing compared to the loss of this boy’s youth.

Anon...

2005-11-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

Author: DOPS
First posted in Dop's blog on Oct. 5, 2005

While dad was polishing his new car, his four-year-old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In a fit of anger, the father took the child’s hand and hit it many times, not realizing that he was using a tire wrench. At the hospital, the child asked his father, "Dad, when will my fingers grow back?" Hurt and feeling guilty, father went back to the car and kicked it several times. Then, he looked at the scratches his child had made. It read: "I love you, Daddy!"

*****

I read this somewhere (author unknown) that i decided to post it here. I was touched by this story. - Dops

*****

PeaceCrusader's 5 cents: I also think this is a lovely story because it could happen to anyone. How sometimes we easily get angry at our kids (and other people for that matter) and punish them or make quick judgements without at least first making an effort of understanding their true intentions.

The Real Peace Within You

2005-11-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

Autor: lady white spirit

e=mc2. What can I learn from this? How can I make the most of this situation? What is right about my life? The difference is "attitude".

A moment of true (mga "sandali"), unencumbered peace is worth more than pure gold. You'll think more clearly, be more motivated, feel better and be healthier, when you regularly lose yourself in peace.

Not to learn. Not to look good on your resume. Not for someone else. Not to network or impress your friends. "Just for you". Simply for the experience of being fully alive and letting yourself completely PEACE yourself.

Is that selfish? No. When you have more peace in your own life, you have more to give others. By experiencing peace, you let the true person inside come to life. And that person is overflowing with love, abundance and creativity that will add immensely to your life and the lives of those around you.

Let yourself be peace, gentle, joyful, without guilt, without expectations.... You'll feel the power of that joy in every part of your life. You will enjoy your own world, your own journey.

Let’s get on with our own journey. Pick up where we left off and leave the setbacks behind. Move forward. Even when you get kicked back, move forward.

Be Angry But Do Not Sin

2005-11-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

Author: Hezel
First posted in her Hezel's Haven blog on Oct. 21, 2005

Aside from being so busy, I have lost my interest in blogging for a while when I read about the recently "bloggers' war". It all began, in my opinion, from a simple honest-to-goodness comment from one blogger to a very ordinary post of another blogger. I have written my own opinion and posted it in my other blog. Click here.

Well, to make it short, the "war" erupted when one blogger got angry and "lost control".

Paul wrote, "In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" ( Eph. 4:26). In other words we should deal with our anger by keeping it under control. A quick-tempered person is "out of control". In fact, getting angry, losing your temper is downright foolish. "A quick-tempered man does foolish things" (Prov. 14:17), and most of the times says the wrong things at the wrong time and even sometimes at the wrong person.

To determine if you are needing help in this area, ask yourself these questions: Am I quick-tempered? That is, do I easily lose control of my temper? Do I speak before I think? Do I find it difficult to be objective about a situation when I am the object of criticism? Do I hurt people easily? Do people hesitate to ask me about sensitive issues? (From Devotions for Kindred Spirits).

"Remember, a kind word calms wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Grace Under Pressure

2005-10-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

For me this is a classic example of how best to respond to an irate commenter. The blogger's name is sassafras and in her post below she talks about what influences one' s decision when it comes to choosing the right career. Do we choose a vocation because it is what we want or because it pays? Anyway, I highly recommend that you read it. But if you don't have the time to read all of it, go straight to the readers comments whereby an irate commenter left comments that for some would have caused one's blood to boil. Then before reading sassasfras' reply think for a moment and ask yourself, how would you have handled the situation if you were sassafras?

See how sassafras gracefully handled the situation without causing any animosity towards the commenter. A perfect example of grace under pressure.

Choosing a Career
Author: sassafras

I remember when we were growing up. My sister and I would play "pretend": she always took this big clunky adding machine and added up imaginary numbers. Sometimes she took the abacus too, probably imitating my dad. I would always play teacher, even with my cousins. I would herd my siblings and cousins together and pretend they were my students.

My parents never tried to influence our choices--- well, not in a rabid, obsessed way I mean. My mom is a frustrated doctor (she always says that she wanted to take up medicine but that they couldn't afford it anymore---my mom has 8 other siblings) and periodically nagged each one of us to take up medicine. But other than that, we were free to choose whatever course we wanted to take in University. I originally chose Literature, but later shifted to Legal Management: just in case I wanted to study law in the future, I thought. My sister took up Management Economics. Both of us chose according to what we were interested in, and according to what we could handle emotionally and mentally.

I'm wondering if the youth still have this luxury now. Do they still have the luxury of studying something because they are genuinely interested in it, or because they are inclined to it. Or have most of them been forced by economic circumstances to suppress their inclinations in exchange for the more practical path.

Has it always been like this? Young people who sacrifice their dream for practicality?

New graduates today experience months of unemployment, or are forced by circumstances to work in whatever's available out there---nowadays, these are mostly call center posts. Never mind their qualification, they are hard pressed to find work suited to their degree. Not even work suited to their inclinations. A friend, a chef, found herself in this situation after she graduated from CCA (Center for Culinary Arts). She now works the late afternoon to dawn shift in a call center.

Thus I have a newfound understanding for parents who try to "push" their kids into a particular profession. (I said understanding, I didn't say I agreed with them.) Or parents who give well meaning, but oft ignored advice about what degree to take up or what profession to pursue. All they really want to say is: that's all very well for you now, but will that degree enable you to live decently -on an adequate income. Can't blame them for being concerned, they know what they are talking about. They probably belong to that group of people working for their paychecks and nothing more. They've probably had to shelve their happiness and fulfillment too, to secure their children's future.

Maybe we were just lucky (or foolhardy) to have been able to choose what we wanted to study back then. But who knew that life here would get harder? That even middleclass people would be jockeying for opportunities to work abroad---anywhere, everywhere: just to get better salaries and a better quality of life. Had I known then what I know now, would I have studied something else?

PC - An irate reader comments below:

(PC - Italized texts are my translations from Tagalog to English)

parang hindi ka nakatira sa Third World. (seems like you don't live in the third world). It has been like that for a long time - young people shelving their inclinations and passions in order to earn a reasonable income for their families. it's insulting that you speak of it as if it's just happening now, as if life is only getting harder now. parang novelty sa iyo na mahirap pala ang buhay, ganon pala ang pagtitipid (for you it's just a novelty that life is hard and being frugal) - not eating out after work, reserving a weekly allowance etc etc. parang ang hirap para sa iyo.

you are right, you are infinitely better off than other people, including me. you come from a well-off background and only now are you adjusting to having to budget your pennies. well, let me tell you something. that's not suffering. if you can still write this way now, talking of these "adjustments" you have to make, you know nothing , NOTHING about suffering - what it means to be poor, how it feels to have family members die because you cannot afford to pay their hospital bills.

maybe you mean well when you write, but for many of us who have grown up with this way of life and have endured tragedies brought about by lack of funds, all i can say is - you damn well have nothing to complain about. you don't know anything about poverty or budget.

By Anonymous, at 12:36 PM

try selling one of your kidneys just so you can pay for your daughter's chemotherapy.after that, see if you can still complain about not being able to eat out after work or "appreciating home cooked meals." mabuti nga at meron pa kayong "home-cooked meals". (you're lucky you still have home-cooked meals) hindi mo pa siguro nasusubukan yung kanin at toyo lang. (you probably haven't tried eating only rice and salted fish) that's one home-cooked meal you will never be a fan of, for sure.

if you can post a recipe that uses crabsticks, you don't have the right to write about "pagtitipid." (being frugal) crabsticks are not basic commodities and people worse off than you do not buy them.

By Anonymous, at 12:44 PM

PC - Here's sassafras' reply:

Thanks for the food for thought. You are right, I don't know anything about real poverty, nor have I experienced abject suffering. Especially compared to a lot of other people. And I don't pretend to. I regret that my writing has been insulting to you. This certainly has not been my intention. But at the same time, I will not apologize for having grown up in a more priviledged home. This a blog about myself, and I can only write about my experiences...the world as I see it...however limited, or naive that might be. Further, I will not apologize for having grown up in a more priviledged family. Much as I respect your opinion, I hope you also recognize where I am coming from.
There are countless of other blogs out there and by some quirk of chance, you stumbled into mine. I appreciate your taking the trouble to voice your discontent.

By Sassafras, at 8:53 AM

PC - A perfect ending... An apology from the irate commenter.

i apologize for my outburst. there has been a lot of anger inside for a long time, and after reading your blog, i lashed out without thinking.

By Anonymous, at 12:16 PM

PeaceCrusader's 5 cents: By learning to control one's emotions and using appropriate language especially when under pressure, one's dignity remains undiminished and respect earned not only from friends but also from adversaries.

Beware of the Internet TROLL!

2005-10-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Author: TeacherSol
First posted in her blog dated June 24, 2005

In the context of the Internet, a troll is a person who makes inflammatory or hostile comments, which by effect or design cause disruptions in discourse, or a post made by such a person. Trolling can be described as a breaching experiment, which, because of the use of an alternate persona, allows for normal social boundaries and rules of etiquette to be tested or otherwise broken, without serious consequences.

Self-proclaimed "trolls" may style themselves as devil's advocates, gadflies or "cultur jammers," challenging the dominant discourse and assumptions of forum discussions in an attempt to break the status quo of groupthink. Critics have claimed that genuine "devil's advocates" generally identify themselves as such out of respect for etiquette and courtesy, while trolls may dismiss etiquette and courtesy altogether. As a pejorative, the term "troll" may also be a slander of opponents in heated debates, a tactic often used by trolls and non-trolls. (SOURCE: WIKIPEDIA)

Why do I concern myself with this? Because I was a victim when this Teacher Sol blog was just less than a month old (which was last month). I was so upset that I wasn't able to sleep soundly that night, thinking about who impersonated me and posted nasty things to a popular blog; the readers there sincerely believed the nasty comment made by the troll that I couldn't take to read the attacks made to my name. Yes, I was "accused guilty before proven innocent". The sad thing was that nobody among the attackers apologized after it was proven that the ISP used by the troll was from the Philippines (TeacherSol blogs from Washington, DC - peacecrusader). I am grateful to have good friends who believed in me that I couldn't do such a hideous thing, and I had to write an APPEAL TO BLOGGERS to express how I felt about the whole incident.

Sounds familiar? Did it happen to you or someone you know? We have to be careful, the troll is ready again to victimize those who are weak. You don't have to be so naive to be a victim. My blogger friend who was victimized yesterday was good with the internet technology: "medyo nahihiya ako (i'm a little embarrassed) being a hacker myself, and an advocate of security, it was my own site that had been broken into. i admit i'd been not that tight about my passwords. it's a unique pwd, but i hadn't changed it for quite some time now". Our troll could be a hacker too!?

MAJOR TOM (see his April 25 entry), I believe you are not who they believe you are. Please continue blogging because we miss your entries. You were one of the first victims months ago. It could happen to anybody, it could happen to YOU too. Let us all be aware and beware.

To the troll, here's our song for you..."TROLLIN" .

PeaceCrusader's 5 cents: When we receive nasty comments, let's not be quick to accuse anyone. It could be a troll impersonating an innocent blogger. Peace!

The fight against "tabloid blogging"....

2005-10-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Author: Ronald Allan
First posted in his Quaere Verum blog on Oct 3, 2005

If you have been blogging long enough, then you may have encountered or at least heard about other bloggers who seem to have a penchant for reacting rudely or violently against other fellow bloggers or commenters who may have a different opinions. Probably you've also heard about the rather distasteful practice of anonymously leaving nasty comments on someone else's post, or worse, of impersonating another person, whether a real one, or a made up one, for the purpose of starting a word war between bloggers.

That sad truth of the matter is, yes, it actually happens.

There are some bloggers who are so egocentric enough that they think that other bloggers revolve around him or her, following every word posted on his or her blog, believing everything as if it was gospel truth. And what do they do? They use their blog to spread nasty lies and rumors about other bloggers all over the blogosphere.

Some deliberately start arguments, and I'm not referring to intellectual debates where it is issues which are being discussed. I'm talking about arguments wherein bloggers who apparently have no sense of decorum, hurl invectives, expletives, vulgarities, or ethnic and racial slurs against each other.

There are even those who adopt alter egos or other personas, carefully crafting storylines capable of competing with the best scriptwriters, feeding fiction into the blogosphere for the sole purpose of bringing in visitors by the hundreds. And while it can be argued that scripted blogs may be a form of artistic expression, nothing justifies the spreading of lies against other fellow bloggers, if only to gain notoriety.

Of bringing in visitors by the hundreds and gaining notoriety...that seems to be the bottomline.

There are bloggers who would do anything for fifteen minutes of fame and a counter hit, and I mean anything.

I've heard of one blogger not so long ago that created a virtual storybook romance in her blog, posting a picture of a Taiwanese pop star that she purported to be her boyfriend. She later on killed off her "virtual" boyfriend, in an alleged car accident. Naturally, other fellow bloggers, including myself, offered our condolences. Later on that blogger was found out, and she was flooded by tons of comments and email from victimized bloggers who felt that they had been taken for a ride. She eventually fled the blogosphere, or at least started anew somewhere with a fresh new identity.

There was also the incident of a blogger who posted nasty comments on another person's blog, yet signed off those comments with another blogger's name. While it was eventually cleared up over time, there were a lot of hurt feelings in that incident.

Some even deliberately post anonymous comments on their own blog, either to fuel some controversy, generate sympathy, incite anger, or just to get hits.

Lately I've been hearing stories about another blogger who supposedly has several other identities with blogs of their own, making the creation of highly complicated storylines possible, given the number of characters with which to develop a plot meant to generate either hate, notoriety, factionalism, or hits on a counter.

While we would like to think of the blogosphere as an ideal utopic paradise, the truth is, the blogosphere is a reflection of the real world. There are also jerks, assholes, bigots, and liars here. You're better off avoiding them if you can help it.

I consider any blogger who resorts to the tasteless activities I've enumerated above and feeds off the controversy generated in his or her own blog as "tabloid blogging." It's pathetic if you ask me.

While blogging is a way of expressing one's self, it should not be taken as a license to spread lies and malicious imputations about other fellow bloggers.

While there may not be much we can do about bloggers of this type, we should at least be wary of them. They're out there, and they're probably looking for a new victim.

All I can say is, be careful, and blog responsibly.

And IF you're one of those "tabloid bloggers," I only have one word for you people. That word is: karma.

Making this Site Interactive

2005-10-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

When I first started this site about two months ago all that I wanted was to present an idea for a code of behaviour among bloggers. Basically, the aim was to advocate a non-violent, diplomatic, and non-retaliatory means of dealing with rude and nasty commenters. The initial idea for VFS was discussed among four fellow bloggers. Today the VFS logo can be seen in more than 40 blog sites. Recently, there has been a clamor among supporters wanting to see this site evolve into a more become dynamic and interactive blog site.

Some suggested featuring posts from VFS supporters. One suggestion was to convert this site into a forum. All great suggestions but since my time and technical ability to maintain this site is contrained and limited, I've decided to institute only the simplest changes for now. First I've decided to put in a message board on the sidebar. And second, I've decided to implement the first suggestion of posting articles on a regular basis. All articles from anyone, VFS supporter or not are welcome so long as the article conforms to two simple rules:

1. It supports the aspirations of VFS.
2. It is written in English. (We want to reach as many bloggers as possible and not only those who speak our native dialects).

If anyone wants to submit an article please feel free to do so by sending it by email to vfsmovement(at)yahoo(dot)com.

More logos to choose from

2005-09-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Scroll down below to see Smilee Heart in different background colors. We even have a blinking Smilee Heart! Credits go to Kadyo for the original design of these cute logos. Special credit also goes to Tanggerz for the blinking Smilee Heart. Thanks guys. Anyone is welcome to submit newer designs. The only criteria is the inclusion of Smilee Heart in bright yellow. Email new designs to vfsmovement(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Peace!

Be part of the Crusade

2005-09-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, I’ve been witness to some unpleasant happenings within my community of bloggers. Feelings were hurt and friendships were broken. People taking sides without knowing all the facts only made things worse.

It started from an anonymous reader leaving nasty comments on a blogger’s tagboard. The owner of the blog tried to track down the commenter but ended up erroneously accusing an innocent person who simply happened to be online on the blogger’s site at the same time when the nasty comments were made. Ultimately, the real culprit was identified. But the damage had already been done... And things have never been the same again. For now there is fear from other bloggers from visiting and leaving comments on other people’s sites. Some bloggers have even lost the desire to continue blogging.

Who can blame them? Most bloggers blog for the fun of it. One feels good visiting blogs with posts that are funny, informational or inspirational. We like blogs where the author and its readers get along with each other. Where the exchanges of ideas and comments are funny and although sometimes heated are nonetheless educational and civilized. On the otherhand, one feels bad and disheartened when they see people saying bad things to one another and swearing at each other. No one wants to live in a household where the members are always fighting, shouting and swearing at each other. The first thing one wants to do in such a situation is to leave that house. Never to come back again.

I, together with a few of my fellow bloggers have decided to band together and do something about it. For in a way, all of us became victims of the situation. It's like we’ve lost our innocence. We’ve lost the joy in blogging. But now we want to restore it back.

We know there will always be people who find pleasure in making others miserable by leaving nasty comments and messages in other people’s blogs. We cannot change nor control these people, but we have the free-will to control the way we react to these people. And so we’ve decided that should we receive negative, vicious, nasty, or malicious messages, that

We will not react violently to these people.
We will not reply back in a menacing tone or manner or use foul language or swearing.
We will sort out our differences with them privately and discretely and refrain from quarreling or bickering in public.

To signify to others that we are serious in our stance on being non-combative to everyone, we attach the VFS seal on our site.

This seal symbolizes our promise to anyone who enters our site that they will be treated with courtesy and respect befitting a GUEST and a FRIEND.

Join us in this crusade for a more friendly and peaceful BlogSphere. All you need to do is attach the VFS seal anywhere on your site with a link back to this page.

Our Aspirations

2005-09-07T03:18:00.000-07:00

Our aspiration is to help create an environment among bloggers and people who visit blogs that is sociable and mutually pleasant for both. An environment

Where visitors to sites are accorded utmost courtesy and respect.
Where bad language and swearing are not used against anyone.
Where discourse and sharing of ideas are encouraged through messages and comments
Where no one will be mocked, rebuked, or ridiculed or be retaliated upon for anything they say.
Where every visitor is welcome and treated as guest and friend

If you share these aspirations and are willing to be part of the solution in making the BlogSphere a more friendly and peaceful place, all you need to do is display the VFS logo anywhere on your site with a link back to this page.

Attaching the VFS Icon to your site

2005-09-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

Below is the HTMP code you'll need to attach the above VFS logo with the green background. Simply copy and paste this HTML code to your template.

<a href="http://vfsmovement.blogspot.com/"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 150px;" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v218/maurojean/VFS-green.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>

You may choose a different background color from the ones shown below. Simply replace "VFS-green.jpg" in the above HTML code with the filename of the graphic of your choice. (Credits go to Kadyo for the original design of these cute logos. Special credit also goes to Tanggerz for the blinking Smilee Heart. Thanks guys. Anyone is welcome to submit newer designs. The only criteria is the inclusion of Smilee Heart in bright yellow)

VFS-blue.jpg	VFS-gray.jpg
VFS-white.jpg	VFS-green.jpg
VFS-purple.jpg	VFS-orange.jpg
VFS-pink.jpg	VFS-blinking.gif